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Friday, February 10th, 2017
1:25 am - i want to vomit
I mean, of course!

I had to break into this journal. I couldn't remember.
I really wanted to remember the other one. The other one! So much sadder. Much better stories. Real details. None of that here & ever & ever Amen

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Monday, October 19th, 2015
7:19 am - dear journal
I keep thinking about the last thing my father & I said to one another...
& also that time nobody's mom cared if it was santa clause's birthday(!).

Sigh. I guess possibly bc they are so stark in experience? Or are they? Jesus.

Haha. Santa Clause's birthday.

current mood: drunk

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Tuesday, October 13th, 2015
1:00 am - some dumb thing far away in a dream
I had a very bad dream about the airport-- Maybe the funnest part of this dream is that it is recurring-- but Not the point.
At the end of this particular installment I found myself turning to the internet, updating a very old media source . I don't (still part of it, to be clear...difficult!!) even know what the platform was just that there were a bunch of sad penciled-in puppies circling a grave & everything felt terrible.
So I thought I'd come here! :)
I don't like that dream. ...but there are far worse ones lately. Some I might even call nightmares. I will spend my life defining the difference between that dream & those nightmares. I'm sure it's something very simple. Written down a'million times over in a book someplace. Waiting to melt my ...insides all into one... like a rat king.
That will just fuck everything beyond belief!!
I wait.

I used to listen to this stupid pop song (all pop songs are stupid / I <3 pop songs) on repeat when everything was crashing down & convince myself that we would make it.
I don't know. Maybe we could have then!!
Who ever knows. al
The smart, smug pieces of shit who all roll their eyes at you, I guess. All the time. Forever. For the rest of your dumb life.
What up.

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Thursday, December 18th, 2014
12:11 am - +3
ah. me.


clumsy little sea otter.  think twice.  shit.  think it through fifty times--but watever you can manage.  here's a sea treat! you take a sea nap now.

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Saturday, April 19th, 2014
9:35 pm - my left hand snaps your neck...lace

My therapist wants me to journal for ten minutes every night.  More if I want I suppose.
I miss drinking.  I want to go in the kitchen & take alcohol shots.
I also don't miss drinking.  Nooo to.  Drinking.
I took far too long of a nap.  It was a nice nap though.
Perhaps I will take a nice sloth pill.  A new drug I have been prescribed that is meant to assist with panic, anxiety, ptsd, adhd, & sleep!  . . . Right?
I miss drinking but I don't want to be particularly social.
I want to sit at my computer and get drunk & listen to music.
I should really think about something else.
Some things are making me sad but I know exactly what those things are.  So I'm good.  All of the reasons I'm not drinking!  I told myself two weeks.  Two weeks & then I'm only going back for wine.  Vodka on the rarest of occasions.  Or anytime Cousin or a trusted assistant agrees to be chained to me for the evening [whos agreeing to that??  Worry not].  The whole evening until I slump over in a pile of soup & pizza.  I got away last time.  Things took...a turn.
"Oh look you got at letter from the hospital"
"Which one??"

It makes me feel like I've really earned my spot at therapy group.  I usually & otherwise feel so undeserving & out of place.  [My problems aren't real].  How nice for me.

Drink socializing in the kitchen.  I just want to go invisible & make food.  :(
Well you know.  You know what they tell you at therapy seventy-eight times a say.  Be mindful.  Be in the moment.  Having a panic attack??  Grab your therapy pet & go lie in the grass or on a nice cold bathroom floor.  I was greatly amused by that tip.

Alright.

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Thursday, April 10th, 2014
10:46 am
I fear it all!
To give a small sort hint about how I gauge my life success...
If I can finish this entire sandwich without falling asleep in the middle...it's going pretty well.
I guess others aim a little higher...
..but then if all it really took was finishing a whole sandwich...
The problem might lie a little closer with being a liar...or not caring at all.  If I can't finish fifty sandwiches I sure as fuck am not going to bother with one.  Even if that's all of the ability/potential that I posses. I reject me.

Who has the energy to focus on it a moment longer.  I could spend a life time feeling bad.  I will spend a life time feeling bad...but it gets one nowhere...& if that's truly my plan I already know exactly how to stick to it.
How many too lates does one get??  Robert Downey, Jr. says as many as it takes!
See you later, vodka.
I say that all the time.  It's alright.  I know what I mean.  I will see you.  Later.  Much, much later.  & it will go how it goes.
Til then. .

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Wednesday, March 26th, 2014
11:34 pm
the world is too creepy a place
the first nightmare i ever had!
i know
i know
butwhatdoiknow!?!?!!

i do like
--you're never going to believe this
myself.
i'm so adorable.  god.
i'm glad having to know me is the rest of the worlds job.

oh..me!  do you want a piece of candy cane before we get in the car??  a bite of some sandwich??  do you want to hold onto this balloon for a little bit?? !

they ask you to describe how you feel about things
i write things like
FUCKBAGGED
&
it'll probably be alright
that's all any of us are feeling, right??  does anyone have some candycane pieces in their pocket?? :(

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Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013
5:18 am
Old (really old, but not Too old!) "I Never should have done that" moments make me laugh so fucking hard sometimes. I guess because that's all I really can do?? I don't know. I don't care. I don't need to examine it. It's by no means all of them. There are plenty of never,should,have moments that don't cause me a moments worth of amusement. Some of them, though. Sometimes :')
I guess it's just especially nice to be able to laugh at terrible shit that used to fuck up your whole day/life. It's nice to know that's out there.
My Cousin & all of her beautiful people (Dr. Adam, Jameo, & the one with the funny name) were all in my town last week. I wasn't in a very pleasant mood at the time but then I started receiving texts from Cousin. "I'm coming down the hill!" "I am on main street." I met her in the back parking lot & Jameo started waving hello. "Hi Heather. I threw up in the car." me"That's okay James, I do that too :) ." cousin."That's what I told him."
We went up to my apartment & Cousin immediately reached into her bag with a laugh "I brought you a present". She handed me an old pill bottle covered in tinfoil. "It's the last ativan." Happiness tears immediately began to form inside of my eyewells. I leaned hard into excitement & managed to go with that instead.

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Saturday, September 15th, 2012
3:10 pm
Id go sprinting down the street barefoot right now but ive just already got that so covered in my own way.

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Tuesday, May 8th, 2012
1:37 am
I love the sleep that comes when a'body is so tired that it's eyelids can no longer remain hinged of their own accord. I took a shitty two-hour evening slumb & have promised to be wide awake in four more so none of this should be a problem..someday.
I'm going to play first base on Aly & Justins baseball catch team. The second you step out boundwards of the lines you have drawn for yourself...you will fuck it up. I seem to hold stalwart to that one time I did something O-K. In general. That one time I went to that Doug Stanhope show by myself & drank enough rum & cokes to kill eight babies but remained..I don't know..focused? enough to bypass the usual blacking out & I found my cousin in the streets & didn't get abducted & remembered how to read the whole time! WHY can't all the times be like THAT TIME??

I want to go to chicken class now.

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Tuesday, January 31st, 2012
11:31 pm
Woke up dreaming about horses. How ..horses.. are blind to glitter. They can't see glitter...so I had taken it up as my cause to ensure that horses all over the world would see glitter in my lifetime. You're gonna get it, horses. You're gonna get GLITTER!

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Monday, December 26th, 2011
2:04 am
sucks to be. sucks to be.

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Sunday, November 20th, 2011
12:20 am
STOP MAKING ME CRAZY!!!!
...Stop making yourself crazy, asshole.
Oh, oh right.

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Monday, November 14th, 2011
7:30 am - aim & ignite
I'm awake. I'm awake & I don't have to be. I'm awake & I don't have to be & it's ,early. I had a dream that a sourcerer told me I should start eating more rice. So I think I'll go buy some rice. Because I'm awake. & I don't have to be. & it's ,early. I have a suspicion that I may be severely fuckin' depressed. I don't know how that's different from anything and/or everything always...but it's a thought I've been having. Delete that last part. Just talk about the rice.

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Sunday, November 13th, 2011
1:11 am
"They don't want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear irrational and illogical in conflict situations."

"They are at their best in situations where they're working towards the public good, and in which they don't need to use hard logic."

i like when drunk internet tests tell me i'm at my best when living in a fantasy world. i know it didn't Really say quite that, but that's what I chose to hear :)

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Thursday, November 3rd, 2011
11:18 pm
SKULLCRUSHER MOUNTAINCollapse )

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Saturday, October 29th, 2011
4:38 pm - love was a truckers hand
I nightmared about horrifying giant black bears & that scene in "the hills have eyes" where the father shotguns himself & turns into (in my dream anyway) a blood suckin' terror zombies. He spat evil at me & told me how foolish I was to stay a human & how we would all be zombies soon enough anyway
I'm makin' it way more complicated than it should ever have to be. I just--I'm gonna go eat an apple & fetch some fake blood for Aly.

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Monday, October 3rd, 2011
10:32 am
Pass out with a brain full of drunken wonder & inspiration. Wake up & what the fuck am I thinking? I'm thinking I'm sad. I feel sad, sad, sad. C'mon, me! Turn magic!! get me out of this motherFucking butterfly net!!! I find myself daydreaming about disneyland...& that first day where I got suuuppperr sickkk. Hitting me all at once on that dumb fucking space ride...not to be confused with that awesome fucking space ride where upon the first of many exits, we noticed that my vodka had spilled out alllll over the seats (it's DISNEYLAND! who let you in!?).
I have aqquired a cold.
I looked online about what one might do in effort to handle the likes of puffy eyes. You know, like the kind you get when you've been sobbing or drinking too much (I have not recently been sobbing, I'm just saying. I feel a need to point this out.) Online's best advice included [Get enough sleep. Don't drink too much. Accept Yourself.] They also said you could try a cold compress...so I found myself placing ice cubes upon shuttered oc,orbs. It immiediately caused me to recall a story about a girl who worked in a hospital...& how part of her job including ice-cubing up the eyes of the dead. We enjoyed that way too much, I guess for the obvious reasons. Because we're creepy. Were. Err. Are. R. ZOMBIE
How do I...How does one...think of cousins beeaaauuutiiiffuuulllll life advice.
....flee

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Sunday, October 2nd, 2011
5:26 pm
How do I get this fucking butterfly net off of me!?!?

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Sunday, August 7th, 2011
12:25 pm - I will set sail to the streets
Well That was assanine. I couldn't resist. Goddamn.

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